Clovenhoof's Diary: April by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant [Goody, Heide]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Satire, hell, Heaven, Birmingham, Humour, Humor, Comedy, angels demons
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2019-05-14T23:00:00+00:00

As Ben returned with the drinks, Lennox’s niece, Florence appeared with a microphone. She walked around the bar and cleared a small space. She beckoned Tina over and then spoke into the microphone.

“Right everyone. It sounds as though you’re all waiting to hear from our local superstar. Put your hands together for Tina!”

Tina took her time walking over to the microphone. She waved at her crowd and walked with an exaggerated wiggle in her step, casting coy glances over her shoulder.

Nerys gave a long and exasperated sigh.

“Hello everybody,” said Tina. “Now, you remember I promised you something extra special?”

A small cheer went up.

“That’s right. We’re going to hear The Spanking of Dracula. Not only that, but we’ll have plenty of opportunity for audience participation. Let’s have a show of hands, shall we? Is there anyone here who’s been really, really naughty and needs a good spanking?”

Many hands went up and whoops of enthusiastic approval.

“Oh that’s very good,” said Tina throatily, “and have we got volunteers to help with that punishment?” She licked her lips and lifted the edge of her hot pants, bent over slightly and looked round, a question on her face. Jacob Bloom stepped forward and administered a small slap to her buttock. The crowd went wild.

Nerys rolled her eyes. Tina had the room in the palm of her hand. She could almost hear the sound of dozens of aged penises springing to attention.

“Well, let’s begin the story then shall we? Warm in here, isn’t it? Get comfortable everybody.” She tugged at the top of her corset, encouraging her cleavage to spill out a little more. Several people around the room wiggled slightly free of their outfits.

Nerys saw Ben from the corner of her eye. He was studying a beermat with close intensity, determined not to look up and see what was happening in the room.

“The count had gone down to the servants’ quarters in his castle. The housekeeper had asked for help because some of the serving girls were showing a lack of respect for her. They all lined up as the count walked amongst them. ‘Who here has been guilty of disrespect?’ he asked. All twelve serving girls giggled and put their hands up. ‘Very well, you must come with me and I shall punish you,’ he said, his dark features lit only by the light of the oil lamp. He led them out of the kitchen, promising the housekeeper that he’d give them a hiding that they wouldn’t forget in a hurry.”

Tina paused and flung a question out to the audience. “Where do you think he’s taking them?”

“The bedroom?”

“The cellar?”

“The stable?” called out an old man.

“Yes, Les!” she said. “The stable.”

“Knew it!” shouted someone from the audience.

“Oh, you brought your own whip?” said Tina in admiration. “Now that’s what I call attention to detail.”

“Oi, watch out for the glasses!” shouted Florence.

“Now, the first thing that the count did was insist that the girls should remove their work uniforms, to keep them clean,” said Tina. “He plucked a riding crop from the wall and he toyed with it for a few minutes, like this.

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